Swinging Pillow Dicks and Other Adventures

One of The Boy's work friends is getting married on Wednesday and she very sweetly invited me to her bachelorette party last week. I thought that bachelor parties were all booze, cigars and hookers pretending to be strippers who only accepted you money for a hummer because they "thought you were cute" while bachelorette parties were more like baby showers but with lingerie.

Well not this one. When the bride-to-be first invited me to Darcelle's I thought it was a bar. I expected fruity drinks (which I had), tequila shots (which I had), and not-so-subtle comments about the bride- and groom-to-be's sex life (which were made, mostly by the "ladies" of the establishment).

Yeah,... Darcelle's is a drag show. I wasn't completely taken by surprise (thank you google) but it was definitely more than I was expecting. I think my favorite part was when the two "ladies" on stage flipped up their bright orange tiger print wrap dresses to reveal underpants with stuffed junk attached. That's right: someone sewed two sets of oversized men's dangly bits, stuffed them like a pillow, and attached them to underwear for drag queens. My sincerest hope is that it was their mothers or grandmothers. Such support.

After the show, which surprisingly did not include and Cher, we headed out without having really decided on a destination which I can tell you is always a mistake when you're in a group of drunk (or sober, really), fickle women.

Finally I took charge and, picking up on a rather revealing comment from the bride-to-be earlier in the evening, led the group to Cabaret, my favorite strip club that just happened to be a few blocks away. It was her first time at such a place but she liked it; the dancers were very attentive (as they tend to be when a group of women come in) and the bride found a dancer she really liked and who really REALLY liked her. Let's just say that many of the club's rules were broken that night, despite the fact that the owner was on site and wandering around the club's tiny premises.

Aside from a brief interlude where we attempted to go to the nearby gay club where we had heard there were male strippers*, we stayed at Cabaret for the rest of the night. When The Boy got off work he came downtown to pick me up (I had to work in the morning and was fading fast) and one of his other work friends insisted on buying him a dance from the bride's favorite girl. She invited me to watch and it quickly turned into a couple's dance. Like I said: there was definitely a lot of rule breaking going on, I'll spare you the sexy details.

After the dance we left and although I professed my stripper-kindled desire for The Boy on the whole ride home, when we arrived I found myself unfit for the task at hand and slowly, gracefully crashed face-first into my pillow, dead to the world.

But I made sure to make up for it when I got home from work the next day.


*They didn't let us in! We wanted to see those sexy gay men strutting their stuff in technicolor banana hammocks, but they claimed that one of the girls in the party was visibly intoxicated (which she was) and they couldn't let her in (which is crap). Oh well. Maybe next time.

Jena's First Party

Last night The Boy and I threw our first party in our apartment. It wasn't big, just a few new work friends and one long time friend from The Boy's old job. I'm going to call him Titan, a moniker that is as incongruous as it is amusing (especially to those of us who know the reason). Everyone arrived and we settled in for a long night of drinking games.

We started off the night right with a game of Moose, and I'm happy to say I didn't have to drink the Moose Cup, an unholy conglomeration of whatever everyone happened to be drinking at the time, all rolled into one tasty refreshment. My new friends seemed to pass the cup back and forth for most of the game, but they learned their lesson: always pay attention and have the reflexes of a puma (no, not a moose. that would be bad).

My new awesome lesbian friend, who I'm going to call CD for reasons that shall remain unexplained then taught us the dice game she and all her lesbian friends (I swear they flock together or something) play when they drink. Basically someone rolls the dice at any point in the evening, saying "If I roll a *insert number not seven here*, so-and-so has to *insert dare*." This made for some pretty interesting situations, including rules everyone had to abide by for the rest of the night.

We played dirty Jenga and I had to serenade Titan's roommate, give my underwear to the someone (I picked The Boy because I'm lame like that), and describe my worst sexual experience. *shudder*

Next CD taught us another game called Queens (also invented by lesbians, although I would have guessed gay men) which is a variation on Kings, only with more making out and nudity. I had to trade pants with Titan and shirts with my other new work friend, Strip Club, and I kissed my second lesbian*.

The dice game was going on through all of this, and there were shots being taken and dares being fulfilled by everyone present. The Boy had to hit on Titan who was out of the room at the time of the roll and had no idea what was going on.

The last two games of the night (I know, we're ridiculous) were asshole and sevens, the former taught by CD and the latter taught by me. Sevens was kind of half-assed because most of us were drinking water by then, but I still say the night was a resounding success. We sent the boys safely home and gave the girls pillows and spots on the floor and passed the fuck out in bed, without even a perfunctory attempt at getting it on.

This morning we sent our new friends on their way and collapsed back in bed until one. I woke up still drunk, but I'm better now, and since The Boy is at work on this the day of America's independence, I'm meeting my new friends downtown for dinner, drinks, and some big noisy sky flowers.

Happy 4th everyone!


*I've kissed a lot of girls, most of them straight, some of them bi, but only one other lesbian. Oh college.